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I’ve been pretty absent for the last week since finding out I’m pregnant, and boy, has it shown in my eating.  I’ve been allowing myself to eat pretty much anything, which is not so good, and I know it. Okay, I haven’t been totally horrible, I’m still eating more fruits and veggies than I ever have.  I have been allowing the sweets to creep back in though.  Still not as bad as it used to be, but I’m definitely endulging more than I should be.  I thought it was about time I got back over here and kept myself accountable for what I’m doing.  I don’t want to use this pregnancy as a license to pack on the pounds eating a whole bunch of crap.  I also told my husband he doesn’t need to bring me a treat every day (he’s been buying me some sort of chocolate or sweet every time he goes to a store).  Anyway, I just wanted to write it down and get myself back on track, at least with the eating part.  I’ve been a little lax on the exercise too, though that’s mostly because I’m exhausted and have an awful head cold on top of that.  I’m going to get back on the exercise as soon as I can breathe again, I miss that so much!  I hope to do some catching up with my buddies in the next few days, but I’m out of time for tonight.  Hope you all have a great night!

Well, we all hit bumps in the long and winding road to weight loss, and I certainly hit a big one yesterday.  Not that I’m complaining about it, I’m actually ecstatic!  I am pregnant!  I’m just a couple of weeks along, but waiting was never my strong point!  We’re going to wait til Christmas to spring this on our families, although I did tell my sister today.  Hopefully all the family will feel that this is a gift like we do!  Anyway, I’m not planning on letting this deter me from being healthy, although actual weight loss will be on the back burner.  Just wanted to share my happy news because I am bursting at the seams with it.  Have a great day!

Well, this is my last homework assignment.  Today’s question is:

4) What am I hoping to achieve in the end and how do I think it’ll change my life?

As far as what I am hoping to achieve at the end of my weight loss journey, there are a few things.  The biggest is, of course, being healthy.  I want to make sure that I’m around for a long time and that I live a good quality life.  I am hoping to be a good role model for my son and help him make healthy choices so he won’t face the same battles with his weight that I did with mine.

Then there are the little things I’d like to achieve, the stuff that may seem inconsequential to other people, but that will be huge victories to me.  I want to be able to feel comfortable with the way I look in a swimsuit, so I can take my son to the pool in the summer.  I want to be able to wear my wedding ring again.  I want to be able to shop anywhere, in any store, and not have to worry about whether or not they carry plus sizes.  I want to send pictures to my parents and not crop myself out of them because I can’t stand the way I look.  I want to put on my husband’s shirt and have it be huge on me, instead of fitting me tight.  The list just goes on and on.

Now how do I think this will change my life?  Well, it already has.  Since I’ve started losing weight, I feel better about myself.  I feel happier because I’m doing something for me, and I’m doing okay with it.  I have realized that I am capable of stuff I never dreamed I would be able to do.  I have realized that I have the power to change things I don’t like, that I don’t just have to sit here and take it.  And I think the best is yet to come.

Well, I finally got the image thing re-figured out, so I’m posting some pics.  I’ve been having a down day, and haven’t been real happy with my progress lately regardless of what the tape measure says.  I decided to take another set of pics to show my progress, so I’m going to post all 3 sets.  The first are from very early on in my journey, maybe the high 240 lb range.  The second, I want to say is maybe mid 230s, and now I’m at 219.  I know the outfits are weird, but they’re jammies for the most part!  Today’s pic is stranger than most because I had a hard time finding stuff that was fitted enough to really be able to see progress.  Anyway, I would appreciate your comments, praise keeps me going!

Okay, a note:  somehow I managed to screw this up!  First two pics are where they should be, then there’s one from the second set of pics, then the third set of pics, then the second one from the second set of pics.  I would fix it if I could, but it’s beyond me!!!

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read my last blog, despite it’s insane length.  It’s good to spend some time reflecting on the past, and to see what brought you to where you are in the first place.  Great assignment, Michelle!

Now, I get to do the second part of my assignment.  My question for today is:

3- What am I doing now that I can change to bring me closer to my goals and make me healthier both emotionally and physically?

This one is probably a little harder than the last one, not because I don’t know the answer (I do know it), but because it means that I have to admit where I’ve been coming up short and really face the music about the effect that it’s having on my weight loss.  I guess it wouldn’t be so hard if I wasn’t already in a down mood, but I have to deal with it regardless, so now is as good a time as any.

I know I have done some stuff right so far.  I’ve lost 31 lbs since I joined here on July 31st.  I have definitely made exercise a part of my life now, which I really didn’t think was possible before.  I have even started running, something I never expected to be able to do again since I had previously failed at picking it up again when I was much smaller than I am now.  I actually feel awful when I skip planned workouts, like I’m letting myself down.  I never expected that to be the easiest part of my journey, but it has been.

The part that I struggle with is the eating.  Emotional eating has always been a big issue with me, and even though I feel more in control of my emotions than I did 4 months ago, I know this is something I struggle with.  Another thing I tend to do is eat when I am tired.  And I always feel tired.  I know that I never get enough sleep, but there’s a variety of reasons for that, and unfortunately these are not things I can change on my own.  I know that I turn to food though when in reality all I need is a nap or a good nights sleep.  Perhaps that wouldn’t be such a damaging thing if I would just make better food choices.

My eating has actually changed a lot since I started here, but I know it is not enough.  I eat much less fast food than I used to, but I still eat it.  I eat smaller portions that I did before, but they’re still bigger than they need to be.  I definitely eat more fruits and vegetables, but I still eat a lot of calorie laden sodium filled pre-packaged processed foods too.  This is where I need to make some changes.

What can I do to change this?  First of all, I need to stop with the fast food.  Altogether.  I actually did pretty good with this at the beginning, but then I allowed myself some leeway because I was doing good.  I need to just say no to meals that can easily be 1000+ calories.  I need to get my portion sizes in check, by actually measuring foods instead of just eyeballing them.  And I need to give my son his own portions, rather than figuring he’s going to eat so much (from the same dish as me) so I’m actually only eating X amount of calories.  I need to cut down on my pre-packaged foods.  I’ve realized that cooking doesn’t need to be really difficult or time consuming, so I just need to work on doing more cooking at home.  This will be better for everyone, not just me.  Oh, and cheaper too!

I know I can do this stuff.  The problem is, I know it’s going mean that I’m going to suffer a little.  I’m not going to be able to have everything I want.  I’m going to actually have to work for it.  And in a way I guess I’m afraid of failing too.  I guess I think if I never try at all, that’s better than trying and not being able to do it.  I’ve let that mentality stop me with a lot of stuff, and it’s time to eradicate it.  I know what I need to do, and it’s time to just do it.  Now.

I am part of the Survivor challenge, and today we got a little homework assignment.  :)  I have to write a blog about:

1) Why did I gain the weight or what prevented me from losing it sooner?
2) What am I prepared to do to change that?

Well, here goes.

There seems to be about half a billion reasons why I gained weight.  I think the first time I really porked out was in 1st grade.  My dad was having a lot of health problems, which meant many late night trips to the ER for him and my mom, so my sister and I got dropped off at Grandma and Grandpa’s while our parents were at the hospital.  Grandma and Grandpa were firm believers in solving problems with food, so I learned to eat when I was upset about Dad, and the food would make everything all right.  My dad’s health problems continued, and so did my weight problems.  When I was 9, my dad passed away.  He was only 40, but he had so many health problems due to diabetes.  So I continued to eat to kill that pain.

My weight problems continued, I remember getting weighed in gym class in 5th grade, and I weighed 105 lbs.  Yes, in 5th grade.  It was awful.  It get better for a while.  In 7th and 8th grade, I was on the track team, so I did a lot of physical activity, plus running which I loved.  I don’t know how much I weighed at that point, but I do remember being in double digit sizes even though I was very active.  I was still insanely fat compared to my friends who were all twigs.

I didn’t participate in any sports in high school, so my weight climbed again.  I remember getting on the scale at home one day and I was at 196, but I don’t even remember how old I was at that point.  My first brief stint in college wasn’t much better, though I was eating less because I was poor, and spent a lot of time barfing because I drank to an excess almost every day.  Eventually, I dropped out, changed my ways, and got a physical job in a factory where I worked building industrial fans.  Lifting those suckers all day every day really helped out, and I stepped on a scale at a party (I didn’t even own one!) and I was at 140 lbs.  That was about 10 years ago.

I moved to Chicago with my sister right around that time, and I spent a couple months unemployed so I just sat around and ate since I didn’t know anyone.  I got up to 170 lbs when I went in to get my physical for work, which was about 5 months after I weighed in at 140.  I think my weight stayed in that range for a while, until I started dating my husband.

It seemed like all my husband and I did together was eat.  Well, okay we did other things, but eating was always a big part of our plans.  I learned to just eat and eat and eat with him, and I really packed on some pounds.  After a few years, I got up to 246 and was totally disgusted with myself.  I changed jobs and started walking partway to and usually all the way home from work, and my weight dropped again, though not a lot.  Then we moved to Wisconsin after getting married, and I didn’t walk nearly as much anymore.  Of course, I hardly ever left the store I worked at, so most of my meals became stuff I could buy at the store (it was a drug store) or fast food on my way home from work.  Not a great combo.

When I got pregnant with my son, I weighed 223 lbs.  I actually lost 4 lbs early into the pregnancy, mostly because I was watching what I ate.  I didn’t mind putting insane amounts of nutritionally void foods into my body, but when those same foods were going to feed someone else, I couldn’t handle it.  Two days before my son was born, I weighed 241 lbs (he was a 9lb baby).

I remember eating the small portions of bland food in the hospital after my son was born, and those tiny portions were more than enough for me.  I hoped that I was changing my ways, but with lack of sleep and issues with breastfeeding, my eating took a turn for the worse.  I would spend all day with a baby attached to me, and if I tried to detach myself, he would scream his head off.  I learned to eat only what could be easily cooked with a baby attached (mostly microwaveables) or things that were ready to eat with zero prep (which ended up being lots of chips and stuff).  I would then wolf this down before he stopped eating and started crying.  I don’t think I tasted anything for like 2 months, but I did pack on some weight.  I kept those same habits even after I stopped breastfeeding, and that got me where I was about 4 months ago, 250 lbs.

As for what I am prepared to do to change a lifetime of emotional and other crappy eating habits and a lazy lifestyle, well, I’ll do what I have to.  I know exercise 5 days a week most weeks.  Though I’m not always good at it, I try to eat healthier foods.  I eat more fruits and vegetables than I think I ever have.  I have given up sweets and pop because I can’t seem to master moderation with them.  I try to pay attention to how I’m feeling and why when I sit down to shovel food into my face.  And I remind myself that there is a little man that sees everything I do and learns by watching me.

Well guys, that’s my story.  There’s more to it, but that’s the basic.  I’m already afraid to see how long this thing is going to end up being.  Thanks for taking the time to read it!

I was thinking about writing this for a while, and came up with about a million possible titles:  “I’m in love!”, “Runner’s high, runner’s doubt, runner’s high again”, “Imagine the awesomeness”.  And that’s just to  name a few.  Why was I thinking so long about a title and not just writing the damn blog, you ask?  Well, because I was running!!!

Those of you who read my last blog (don’t feel bad if you didn’t) know that I did the first workout of the “Couch to5K” program today.  You also know that in that short 30 minutes, I rediscovered my love of running.  I was really amped up to do the 2nd workout today, but had to work and grocery shop and feed my child and that sort of thing.  Eventually I got to it, and decided to do the workout plus another 1/2 of the workout.  Then I started it.  And decided to just go ahead and double it.  And added some extra, longer intervals to it.  I got a little discouraged before the longer intervals, which I threw right smack dab in the middle of the 2 sets, but then I told myself “I can do this”.  And I did.

I felt good after I did the longer intervals, and did some math in my head and decided that I wanted to tack on some extra running at the end so that I would have an full 25 minutes of running at the end of the 65 minute cycle.  That meant that I would have to run for 4 minutes straight at the end, before a cool down walk.  I was a little nervous, started thinking I couldn’t do it, and then I told myself to shut up again.  That last four minutes of running was killer, I had to tell myself not to look at the clock until the timer went off, and kept telling myself to push, push, push.  I didn’t know if I would make it, but I just visualized myself months from now, running a 10K, and boy, when that timer beeped, I felt awesome!  I actually raised my hands in the air and gave a little whoop of joy because it felt damn good to do that.  I know some of you may think that’s dumb since I only ran 4 minutes, but I never in my life dreamed that I could keep all 219 lbs of me jogging for that long.  I AM PROUD OF ME!

Somewhere during the run, I also decided that I’m going to invest in a pair of nice running shoes.  Not right now, because I can’t afford it, but that is going to be my gift to myself when I reach onederland.

Also, somehow I only ended up eating like 1400 calories today, which is insanely low for me, that is actually in the range for my weight if I was sedentary.  Usually I eat much more than that (hence my slow weight loss lately).  I’m not even really hungry.

Anyway, I have to go pick up the hubby from work now, but I just wanted to share my excitement, it was too much for me to contain.  Have a great night all!

I don’t even remember what I was surfing around for on the internet earlier, and I discovered that there is going to be a 10k run right here in Chicago in May.  For whatever reason, I thought that this might be something I would like to participate in.  I don’t know what twist of fate brought me to that particular page at that particular moment in time, or what crazy alignment of the planets made that moment happen, but it did.  And I am excited about it!

I used to run track, many many years ago when I was still in middle school.  I actually loved it, really loved just getting out there and running, even if it was just in circles.  Then I let my early teen angst get the best of me and I stopped running.  I never really got back into it because (insert any one of my overused excuses here), but I never forgot how good I felt when I was running.

I actually did attempt to start running again a few months ago, but it just didn’t happen.  I was way too embarrassed to run on the streets because of my size, and I have limited time when I’m able to get away without my son, so I didn’t pursue it.  But today, I saw this 10k, and then I looked up the “couch to 5k” program, and I actually did it.  I did the first workout.  Basically, it’s a 5 minute walk to warm up, then 8 cycles of 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking.  I actually didn’t think it was too bad, and I even tacked on some extra jogging to see how long I could go for (3 minutes, and I’m proud of it!).  It did feel good to be running again, even if it was in extremely short bursts.  You’re supposed to do 3 days (1 week) like that, though I’ll probably  do a total of 5 days like that to line it up with my work week.  I really feel like I can do this.  Now, whether I will actually participate in the 10k or not is another story, but it’s something to think about.  There are actually some other runners in my family, so I might even be able to buddy up with someone to do it.  Anyway, I’m just super excited that I finally ran, and I wanted to share with all of you who inspire me to do things outside of my comfort zone and push myself where I normally wouldn’t.  Thank you to all of my wonderful buddies for all that you do!

Now, I’m going to watch The Princess Bride and do crunches while I watch (at least until the husband gets home).  Have a great night all!

Okay, I confessed the other day to my confusion over how many calories I was supposed to be eating, and I got some great responses from people (thanks everyone!).  I have been keeping track of my calories since Monday now, and I have to tell you, it’s sad.  I always thought I was doing so good, and I am not!  I won’t give you any numbers, but even adding in exercise, I’ve been eating a LOT of calories.  Now I understand why I was maintaining all those weeks, even when I was exercising a lot.

I know that my biggest challenge with the calories comes from eating processed foods.  I am not a cook, I don’t even really like to cook, and so I use that as an excuse to either eat pre-packaged foods or get carry out.  So bad!  It is amazing how quick the calories in that kind of stuff add up.  I’m kind of at a loss as to how to change this though.  How do I make myself like to prepare food and cook it and (worst of all) clean up afterwards?  I guess these are just more habits that I have to change.

Anyway, it was really depressing to see how many calories I can still pack away without even thinking about it.  I guess I need to start looking up some recipes now.  Have a great night, all!

I’m really embarrassed to admit this, but after all my time here and even after losing 30 lbs, I really don’t understand how many calories I’m supposed to be eating every day.  I kind of get confused when you throw in the “lifestyle” calories burned, it seems to me that some people don’t take those into account at all when figuring their calories, so I don’t know if I’m supposed to.  I know I’m supposed to create a deficit between the calories eaten and calories burned, but then I see people who eat a certain number of calories every day, despite how much exercise they’ve done for the day.  I think that’s one of my biggest issues with logging my calories.  I would do it, but I don’t know if I’m doing it right and so then the time I spend doing it feels wasted.  I would like to keep track so I stop shoving it in mindlessly, but I would also like to understand the calorie portion of it so it doesn’t just seem like I’m making a list of what I ate.  I would appreciate any help you guys can give me on this one.

Okay, now here are my December goals:

1)  Exercise at least 5x a week, for at least 30 minutes every time.

2)  Only weigh myself 2x a week, max.  I think I use the scale as more of an indicator and adjust my eating accordingly, but I think I’d do better if I didn’t have that daily indicator and had to just be diligent about what I eat.

3)  Limit the intake of salty foods.  I’m currently not eating sweets or drinking pop, and I find myself eating more salty stuff than I usually do.  I read a comment on someone’s blog that you should just have a small serving of what you want, like a bathroom sized cup full, and then be done.  This is what I will do with salty snacks.

4)  Rock my Christmas pants!  :)  I have a pair of pants that I have been using for motivation, and I would like to wear them for Christmas Eve or Christmas day.  When I first started, they wouldn’t even close over my gut.  Then they would close but I couldn’t breathe, then I could breathe but they still looked like sausage casings, now they’re starting to look better, but they’re still not good enough.  I intend for them to look awesome, and I will post a pic for you guys.

5)  Lose 10 lbs.  That would put me at 212 at the end of the month, and would put me in good shape for getting to 200 by my 30th birthday.

I think these goals are definitely doable if I just stay on track.  I will stay on track.  I hate the way I feel when I don’t, so I need to make sure I’m kicking my own ass if I do get off track.  I’ve let myself make excuses the past 5 days, and I’m seeing how all aspects of my life suffer, not just the weight loss.  Now, time to get my butt in gear and take the first step toward reaching my goals.  Have a great day all!